For Fun

5 Nightmarish Implications Of Classic Kids’ Movies

See, the entire build-up to that kiss involves a significant amount of actual dating between Preston and that grown-ass woman. They go to fancy restaurants together …

Buena Vista Pictures


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… and romp through water fountains in the park like they’re making a desperate bid for Instagram likes.

Buena Vista Pictures

And that’s all before Shay straight up promises to go on a date with Preston in six years once he’s barely legal, which is definitely a form of emotional manipulation. With that in mind, what in the hell is Shay supposed to write in her police report about the methods she used to bust that criminal? She very publicly dated a child. And when she goddamn kissed him. There were tons of FBI agents around when she did it. Also, if Shay tries to write her report without including Preston, the bad guy can pretty easily prove that he wasn’t the one purchasing all that stupid kid shit like go-karts and video games.


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And that’s just Shay’s problems. At the end of the movie, all Preston has learned is that money is rad and that it can help you get hot women. After all, his money is the only reason a 30-year-old woman was interested in an 11-year-old. That’s gonna stick with him forever. He has learned no other lessons, and so Blank Check goes from being a comical movie about a kid with a lot of cash to an origin story about the biggest douchebag on the planet.

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Coco‘s Afterlife Screws Poor People In A Way You Wouldn’t Expect

Coco is about a kid named Miguel who wants to play music more than anyone on Earth has ever wanted anything. Unfortunately, his attempts to play result in him being cursed and taken to the afterlife. The good news is that he can escape as long as he receives a blessing from one of his deceased relatives. So after meeting one who asks for him to stop playing music and choosing to endure more deathscape instead, Miguel meets a guy named Hector who will take him to see another of his relatives, but only if Miguel agrees to bring a photograph of Hector back to the Land of the Living with him.


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See, the way the afterlife works in Coco is that dead people are allowed to visit the Land of the Living on the Day of the Dead, but only if their family has put up a photograph of them (a rule that exists only in the movie, not the actual holiday). Hector’s family doesn’t appear to have any photographs of Hector, and he’s afraid his daughter will forget him. That’s a sweet way of looking at how the afterlife works … as long as it’s in the modern day or you’re very wealthy.

Nowadays, our phones alone could revive every random stranger that we’ve met in a bar in the last ten years, but even just 100 years ago, photographs were expensive as hell, and family photos were only common for the fancy upper class. And even when a family was able to scrape enough money together to purchase a photograph of a loved one, there wasn’t really a way to produce tons and tons of copies. So in Coco, if you lose that one photograph, your relative is banished to the afterlife for eternity. If your clumsy kid accidentally drops it somewhere, goodbye forever, Aunt Brenna.


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And how did it all work before photographs were invented? Were the dead trapped forever, or could they be summoned via a painting? And did it have to be a perfectly lifelike painting, or could the enter the Land of the Living with a drawing that you scribbled with a crayon on a Burger King napkin? Because even these days, a realistic portrait will set you back some $15,000.

So basically, no matter how you look at it, through most of history, the Day of the Dead was a celebration of rich dead people. Dead poor people needed to accept that they’d never get to see their living children and/or grandchildren again, unless they happened to become the protagonist of a Pixar film. And only a very rare kind of Pixar film. You’re way more likely to be a talking car.

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For more, check out 4 Kids’ Movies With Happy Endings That Aren’t Actually Happy and 6 Horrible Aftermaths Implied By Movies With Happy Endings.

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